Saturday, June 4, 2011

The tale of Burnt Bacon...and other breakfast failings

My mother will tell you that I never spent much time tugging on her apron strings as a kid, or teenager for that matter.  I only wanted to be in the kitchen when she was baking, and admittedly, I can bake pretty well.  However, that lack of interest as a kid has turned into many failed attempts as an adult.  My greatest kitchen enemy so far....BREAKFAST!  I'm not a big breakfast fan, I'm a cereal person.  I've got that recipe down pat!  I mean, I'm practically gourmet!  
Every now and then J and I will wake up and want breakfast, and being the morning person I am not, I refuse to get up and go to any breakfast restaurant.  So, we keep things like pancake mix in the house and I'm pro at whipping up the batter.  I mean, I can really measure water and stir, it's phenomenal talent, I know.  However, that's where my pancake talent leaves me.
One of a few things happens: I get started with a perfect temperature on the stove eye, watch it, wait for it, flip...perfect.  Ok, now time to make coffee.  By the time I get turned back around, the other side is burned.  On to the next pancake, I can do this, I can make these things, I can do this.  Pour, sit, flip, perfect!  Wait..wait...wait...losing patience, turn up the heat on the eye just one notch...wait...burnt.  DANG IT!  Ok, try again, I have enough batter for about 3 more.  Pour, sit, sit, sit, flip, burnt...what happened?!  Oh, I forgot to turn the eye down again.  Dang, turn it down, wait wait wait, talk to J, sip my coffee.  Burned, again.  Yup, that's the story for the rest of the batter.  J just shakes his head and laughs, butters the pancakes best as he can through their burned shell, pours on the syrup (cold, but that's a story for another day) and chows down.  Bless him.
You want biscuits, I can do that, coming right up, if you like Grands that is.  Again, I'm a kitchen professional at unwrapping that tube and popping it open.  I can preheat the oven and plop those bad boys on a cookie sheet like no one's business!  Biscuits, give me 20 minutes, and I'll clean up the mess in the kitchen afterwards!  lol
I can also scramble eggs, I hate eggs, won't eat them and neither will J, but Sully will.  So, any time I bake and just need the whites, that baby gets scrambled yolks.  Who says he's spoiled?   I don't see it. 

But, my greatest nemesis...biggest porky nemesis...bacon.  I love bacon, adore bacon, it's so tasty.  When I go to Waffle House, I order a plate of bacon, "very very very crispy please".  I want the stuff to hit the plate and shatter.  I love bacon.  As a kid I would sneak into the kitchen and eat Bac-Os by the handfuls (sorry, Mommie, but yes, that's where the Bac-Os went).  So, yesterday morning when J went to the store to get breakfast stuffs, I begged for bacon.  He brought back the coveted pork fat.  Delish until you think of it that way huh? 
So, I get the package open, warm up the pan, lay four glorious pieces of bacon in the pan.  Anticipation making my mouth water.  My first ominous clue should have been the thought, "It looks like the other side is done, do I flip bacon?"  Now, keep in mind, this is NOT my first time making bacon.  I have successfully cooked a few pieces of bacon in my life.  What did I do?  Flipped the bacon.  I flipped all 4 pieces, cursed the popping grease and waited.  Remember, I'm not, what does the non-patient person do?  Turn up the heat.  In under 2 minutes, the bacon was charred.  I don't mean just burned, but charcoal doesn't even really describe it.  I wouldn't even let Sully have a bite, you know it's bad when you won't even give your dog the food you've just scorched cooked.  After I failed on the first four pieces, I turned and looked around the house and noticed the apartment was pretty smokey, J opened the windows.  My next genious thought was to cut the bacon in half, smaller pieces, faster cook time, easier to manage...right?  I'll just say, the smoke detectors went off and my husband made me cease my bacon/smoke assault on the apartment.  Sad sad day.  I did get 6 small edible pieces of bacon to go with my biscuits and was able to give Sully one bite of a salvaged piece of bacon. 
Poor J wanted buffalo chicken biscuits, but quickly learned that while, so far he's thought buffalo sauce was good on everything, buffalo and buttermilk biscuits are NOT a good combo. 

No comments:

Post a Comment