Thursday, August 30, 2012

Pierce update, and my life...

Mr Adorable had to go back on some oxygen in the wee early hours this morning.  When he sleeps his oxygen saturation drops too low; his nurse last night suggested he may have to go on the oxygen, that she would wait and see.  After I left, I called J and talked to him and we agreed that we'd rather him go on it as soon as he showed he needed the help instead of wait.  His nurse seemed relieved to hear it and called me at  11 and said she was going to go ahead and get him on oxygen.
So, small set back, but if we can get him over what may be the last little hurdle...we can get him HOME.

Pierce and I had our first experience with breastfeeding yesterday, it was successful!  He feeds well, and I knew we wouldn't have problems on my end...I've been pumping since day 1 and could give a prize winning dairy cow a run for her money!  lol  Seriously, I take milk to the hospital every other day, and less than an entire days worth of pumping, and that usually feeds him for over two days.  I freeze the rest.  We have PLENTY lol.  I plan to keep that up too, it's working so why mess with a good thing.
I may write later about the awkwardness that was the breastfeeding lesson from the lactation consultant, if I find the time.  As it is, I really should be sleeping, instead I'm blogging in the dark next to J who is sound asleep.

Pierce certainly doesn't have a problem eating, he finishes off his 2 ounce bottles in 15 minutes.  I've been going to the hospital alone the past few days because of J's schedule between work and school, so Pierce and I have a nice little routine going.  Temperature check, diaper change, bottle, rock to sleep.  He's so precious.

A few pictures for you guys, then I'll answer the second most asked question: How are you doing?  Or, How are you holding up?

Can't see his hand through his sleeve, but he was  pushing his paci in his mouth

First day in clothes!  Those hands just kill me, he keeps them up close to his chin always

Yesterday, wearing the cap Daddy picked out and LOVES, it has adorable ears on it

Another from today, and again with those hands. Love his little mouth, so cute

Daddy's first time feeding Pierce...he's since found a more comfortable way to hold him lol

Today, very nervous holding him because he's used to nurses being around.  I've been there so much and do so much of his care that the nurses just let me do, so Daddy was pretty nervous without a "professional" close by

Someone is seriously in love...
they both sat there and looked at each other, just absorbing one another

Had to grab a self portrait, since J doesn't take pics of much lol, and I'm there a lot by myself and not asking a nurse to take pics of me...somehow I find that embarrassing.

And, now to me...since so many folks ask.

A week ago or so, a friend offered me her ear or shoulder whenever I needed it.  She's known me, and known me well, for 16 years.  She's seen me go through a lot of things I've never talked about on this blog.  Some of you know a bit of my adult past (nothing like drugs or boozing or anything, just personal choices I made that were mistakes I learned from and lead me right to where I I regret nothing) and maybe one day I'll open up on here and disclose a bit more, but not now.
I asked this friend, "how many times have you ever seen me break?"  she replied, "Never, but I'm here for you"  I appreciate that, I really do.  And, I have broken, this has broken me...many many times, in the longest two weeks of my life.  But, the only person who sees it is J.  He's the only person I'll allow to see it.  For some reason, I'm telling you guys this...but I'm human.  I'm not as strong as I want everyone to think, I do break.

I have cried more, prayed more, worried more, in the last two weeks than in my entire life combined.  Every day J sees me with tears in my eyes and hears me say, "I just want our baby home".  I'm crying as I write.  Just keeping it real, hoping that getting it out will help.  J knows when I need a hug, or just need to hear, "I know, me too".  We've seen each other at our weakest in these two weeks.  We just hang on tighter to each other.

I hate to say I was raised to fend for myself, because that sounds so cold.  My family wasn't/isn't cold.  We are just very independent people, and that's how I was raised to be.  Depend on yourself.  So, I do.  I haven't really reached out to many people.  I don't want pity, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for Pierce or for us.  I'd rather folks take that same energy and pray for Pierce to come home, a healthy little boy...or just for more strength for us.  That's all.
The pity, and hearing "I'm so sorry you're going through this" or the like just makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  We are going through this, we can't change that.  We couldn't prevent this, we couldn't see it coming.
You must always March On.  One foot in front of the other, keep going.  Head up, keep moving.  If you don't, what happens?  I don't know, I've never not Marched On.  I guess I'm afraid to stop, to see what happens when you don't put one foot in front of the other, when you don't keep going.  When you let your head droop.  I don't want to know.

So, that's what I do.  March On.  Yes, I'm sad that I'm not interacting with my dear friends as much.  I try, as best as I know how at this point.  I seem to be turning in towards myself more right now, less outgoing.  That depend on yourself bit.  I have amazing friends, who would hold me up...I just won't allow anyone else to hold me up.  J is my support, J sees my vulnerability.  I don't know why I don't lean on anyone else, I guess it's also part of our dynamic.  We turn to each other for support.  If you can't get support from your spouse, who in the hell can you get it from?
I don't think I've even really cracked with my mom or grandmother...and those two women would be the ones I would crack to.  I've sent a few texts to very good friends during bad bad moments.  But I don't think I've sent many.  I just don't do that...
I don't want to talk on the phone, answer the same questions over and over.  Rude?  Yeah, I'm sure.  But, I think it's saving my sanity.

My day literally looks like this:
7am: wake up, get ready...pump
745am: leave
8am: hospital
9 or even 10am: leave for home (thank goodness it's only a 15 minute drive)...pump
11am: since we have one car, get J to class (M-Thurs)
1145am: head back to the hospital
Noon: hospital
1pm: leave for home or to pick up J, depending on the day and his class schedule...pump
330pm: leave for hospital
4pm: hospital
5-530pm: leave for home or to pick up J, again depending on the day...and again, depending on the day, get him to work
6-730pm: home, catch up on housework, maybe catch a nap if I'm lucky...pump
730pm: leave for hospital
8pm: hospital
9-10pm: leave for home...pump
midnight: bedtime
1am: wake up to pump
4am: wake up to pump
7am: start all over again.

I don't have time to do anything but March On.

Pierce's day nurse today asked me when I sleep, when am I resting.  I told her I don't miss any of his CARES times (not sure if it's an acronym or what, but CARES is when they change his diaper, feed him, basically time to interact with him.  Keeps me from having to worry about waking him and keeping him from his rest since they'll be waking him anyway), and I get around 5 hours of sleep a night, and might catch a 20 minute nap during the day.  She told me I needed to try to get more sleep.  It was a very polite conversation, and she understood when I told her I just couldn't bring myself to miss a CARES time, I had thought about it, but couldn't do it.  Yes, I'd love to sleep in, but that would mean missing time with Pierce.

The 2nd day I was keeping this schedule, only 6 days out from a c-section, I had a panic attack thinking J & I would be late and not be able to see Pierce.  I was driving like a mad-woman, crying, sobbing.  J was freaking out, when I say driving like a was bad.  And, it was all over just the mere thought that we wouldn't have time to see him before they close the NICU for quiet time from 1-3pm.
So, you see, I can't bring myself to miss any time.

I just go, on autopilot.  When he comes home, I hope to resume being a good friend to people.  It'll happen, I know it'll come back, but I just hope I can become that good friend that people rely on to always be there to talk, I just hope it comes back quickly.  I hope my friends understand.  If they don't...I'll be sad to see them go, and I'll miss them, but if you can't understand why I'm M.I.A right now...I don't need you.

Ok, maybe I'm pretty cold.  that last statement is cold, but it's the truth.

With J going to school full time, working full time, and Pierce in the NICU, I have no choice but to March On.
If I want to be a good mother to Pierce, a good wife to J, I have no choice but to March On.

So, March On...


  1. Tell them sister! You don't need anyone to hold you back! You ARE an amazing mother, don't let anyone tell you or make you feel otherwise! Or I will have to march my yankee bum to Alabama and show them! HAHAHA! I love you girl! Keep fighting! Keep marching!

  2. You are such a great mother Amanda. I can't imagine anyone stronger than you have been. You have been truly an inspiration. You keep marching and you know you can count on us for anything. We love yall.